So it's week 2, day 1 of my C25K, and holy... crap.
Training for the Princess is going to be a lot harder than I thought. But one step at a time..I'll get there. :) Moving on.. I think this post is going to be a little more personal because I need to remind myself where I am, and where I was, and what I'm working towards.
5 1/2 years ago, I was diagnosed with one of life's biggest obstacles : Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. At the time, I didn't realize how much my life would change, and how much having PCOS would affect every single aspect of my life. I was always athletic, and fit. I played sports my entire life. I was always doing extracurricular activities. My body never really regulated itself, but it was always told to me that it was just me being so active. Then I moved in with my husband in 2004, and within a year, I gained around 100lbs. I didn't change my eating, or anything of the sort. After being diagnosed, I realized that it was the PCOS that made me gain the weight. I started treatments because Jeff and I wanted to start a family. I went through rigorous testing, was at the doctor's office every other day for 2-3 weeks at a time. Oral medication never worked on me, so we tried injections. We even went through a cycle where we were able to try to get pregnant, but on July 4th, 2009, it failed.
I went through depression, and emotional hell. I felt alone, even when people were around me. I wasn't happy. My marriage almost went up in flames. My friendships were dissolving. I couldn't focus on my job. I freaked out everytime I heard the word baby, or pregnancy, or read it somewhere online. I cut people out who I knew were pregnant. Because no one understood. If you're not dealing with infertility, you have no idea. You don't know how it feels for your body to fail. To not be able to do the one thing that a woman is supposed to do. I felt incomplete. I still do. I hit complete rock bottom. And it took me a long time to get to where I am today. I realized I couldn't give up. I couldn't give up on my family, my friends, my husband who has been my rock though all of this, but most important.. I couldn't give up on me. I have always known that I was put on this earth to be a mother. I deserve to be a mother. I know I would be a damn good one.
So here I am, working through my pain. Working through my hell, to fight for what I want. I still really can't handle being pregnant or just having babies (just take a look at my hide list on Facebook). I've gone through miscarriages, and a loss of an adoption. I've gone through losing a lawsuit and not being able to cover my meds/treatments. And through all of this, I've realized my strength. I realize I can do this. I am a fighter. And I can't allow this disease to take over my life once again. I can't hit rock bottom again.
Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of myself for being 40lbs down. I'm proud of myself for working my butt off to get myself healthier. But there will always be a part of me that will ask "Okay, how much longer do I have to wait until it's my turn?" "How much harder will I have to work to get my dream?" I know that I'm 40% closer to being where I need/want to be. And though I want a baby more than anything right now, I am focusing on me. I need to be selfish. I need to think about me, my health, my life. I want to be a healthy mom-to-be. I don't want to have to worry about being on medications or complications with anything. I want to be myself again.
I'm really happy that I came across the Princess. It gives me a goal. A focus. And when I cross that finish line, every single pound, every struggle, every day will come flooding back to me and make me realize what I've gone through to get there. And right then, at that moment, I know it'll be one of the proudest moments of my life. I'm proud of myself now. I'm proud of myself after training with the C25K, even though right after I feel like I'm going to fall over lol. I like the feeling of accomplishment. I love feeling great, and healthy and ...wait for it.... HAPPY. That never really happened that often for such a long time. :)
So I'm going to take it one day at a time. One training session at a time. And I'm going to run with all of the other awesome princesses. And I WILL cross that finish line. And I promise myself here and now.. that the Princess finish line won't be only finish line I will cross. I WILL have my dreams come true, and I will be a mom. One way or another, I will have my own to love. But for now, I need to learn how to love myself. I need to focus on the only one who really matters, right here, right now. Me. <3
And of course, I want to take a moment to thank each and every one of my supporters, my friends, my family, and my husband. Without any of you, I wouldn't be here, writing this. Thank you for the hugs, the encouraging words, the shoulders to cry on, and the ears to vent to. I love you all, and appreciate you beyond words. Thank you.
Time for this Princess to clean around the house, have a protein shake, and relax! :)
Until next time..
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